It Takes a Village...More or Less?

It takes a village to raise a child…more or less?

My inquiry into this long-held expression of community was sparked by two separate instances this past week. One which IMO highlighted a need for “more” responsive measures as the family demonstrated an obvious need for community involvement & intervention. The other being an example of some by-standing “do-gooder” overreacting to an extent that I would advocate a bit more lenient and “less” approach to his so-called concern. I’ll expound.

The first was a personal experience related by a mom at the playground. I had no way of substantiating her account, as we were perfect strangers, but for case-in-point purposes, let us take it at face value. The occurrence began with a typical morning pre-school drop off. Her 6-year-old attends the preschool that is operated by the church her family attends. It had been a difficult night, her 9-month-old had been up hour-after-hour in teething hell. She had carried him around on her hip that morning to appease his crying, as she simultaneously helped her 6-year-old get ready for school. She held onto a distant hope that he would settle down for a morning nap after the school drop-off. It was only as they pulled into the parking lot that she realized that nestled, and securely fastened in his car seat, he had fallen asleep. It was a windy morning. Texas winds can be brutal. It would have resulted in the end of slumber and likely screams. So she risk analyzed, and in her sleep deprived state, opted for a “keep the car running, lock the doors, let the baby sleep, and run the pre-schooler inside for a speedy drop off”. It is against the law to leave a child unattended inside a car. Though I must say, unattended is a bit subjective amidst a bustling parking lot full of parents & children of fellow church goers. Apparently one father did not agree, and saw this as a call-to-arms. But instead of being overwrought with concern and waiting by the car for the 3 min it took her to run in and out, and confronting her with his obvious concern at her neglect. He did none of that. He did not keep watch, he did not alert her of her erroneous parenting judgement call. This fellow church goer drove away, and called the cops as he left this sleeping infant alone in a warm vehicle. The complaint was filed, she was notified and there was a lovely follow-up investigation, it was a whirlwind of phone calls and paperwork. Her complaint against him? His motive. I have to admit it seems suspect, especially as it is half way through the school year, at this point in the year, most parents in a pre-k know each other by name and definitely by face. It seems plausible that that his “it takes a village” mentality would’ve been a bit more effective had he approached this with a little  “less vigilante mentality” and a little “more” compassion.

The second was a news story originating from my hometown realm of Kalamazoo, Michigan.  The synopsis was that the parents left their three children alone, unattended in an apartment. The children being 3-year old twins and a 1-year old. Incidentally the apartment caught on fire, and all three children were killed. The likelihood that this was an isolated incident is nil to none. They were plausibly left alone on many other occasions that did not result in such a tragic outcome. The news stories highlighted that once the fire was apparent to neighboring tenants they realized the children were trapped. The mother apparently even made an appearance in a foiled-by-flames rescue attempt. Which to me, highlights the probability that she was in the apartment complex, though not outside the door, or even next door. In-the-vicinity, as in outside the residence in a multi-unit housing structure does not dictate an appropriate watch-care technique when related to young children, especially three. It’s a sickening, and saddening tragedy. Could neighbors, friends, or family have known that these babies were being left unattended? I have no way of judging this in terms of past behaviors as an outside observer. But is it likely someone, somewhere noticed a discrepancy on some level. It is likely though, as the neighbors concluded there where children alone and trapped once the fire was underway and discovered. It’s a classic and heart wrenching example of ‘too little, too late”. The price for this “less” approach was the death of three very young children.  In this case “more” could’ve saved lives.

These are two examples on polar ends of a spectrum. So where is the middle ground? Where do you make your own dutiful judgement calls? I’d say look at your motive. Is it to help? Is it selfish? Are you trying to appease your own conscience instead of actually helping & encouraging others to implement measures of child safety? Are you attempting to appease some deficiency in your own parenting by seeing the faults in others?  Or, are you turning a blind eye? Avoiding the abuse or neglect that is real, but you’d rather not see?

Sometimes you only have a moment to decide. I’m neither condoning nor condemning with the personal experience I will end this inquiry with, only conveying a response I made in a moments time:

It was a Saturday morning at my local Hobby Lobby. I had gone solo to get some painting supplies. As I was deliberating colors, my blissful oasis was threatened by a callous male voice of impatience and indifference yelling at what I assumed were his children. It didn’t stop. So wandered to the next aisle to gauge the situation. There was a father with his two young sons, about the age of my boys. They were trailing and of course the 2 year old was meandering and the curiosity of the store was beckoning him away from the barking commands. “Go get your brother…if you two don’t get back here…” I don’t recall the full beratement. I just remember my physical response. Sympathy, sadness, a sickening realization that if this was the public display, I couldn’t imagine the behind closed doors version. But, the father said no outright threats, nor did he physically touch either boy, even in a parental attempt to restrain the youngest. But the cacophony of yelling did not cease. The older of the two looked frustrated, and fearful. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to hug the boys for dear life and protect them, but it wasn’t appropriate. So I just acted. With a bit of understanding humor I approached the father and said, “I have two boys about their age, they can be a bit of a handful in the store”, flashed my smile. I continued, “I’ve learned some tricks along the way, that helps me and them. Here, let me show you.” I didn’t wait for a response, he was still speechless for the first time since entering the store. I quickly retrieved a shopping cart and said, “they are sweet, but the little ones get too distracted unless they are in a cart. Your older boy will likely stick with you if his brother is restrained. It takes a minute to get settled, but the whole shopping experience can be less frustrating for all of you. Good luck. ” I flashed the older boy a smile, and he gave me a shy smile, with eyes of bewildered wonder. His father was still silent, but gave me a quick nod, as I pretty much fled. What else could I do? I didn’t feel like it was enough, and it broke my heart to walk away.  But with the circumstances being what they were, it was my judgement call. More or less, I hope it was a help.